an oldie

found this one lurking in some old files

My what a wonderful week we have had around these parts. We have learned al about dow theory. We have learned that it works almost all the time..except that it really doesn’t, it isn’t really a trading strategy and its kind of sort, just maybe a little. Or perhaps even a lot subjective.We have learned that denny mclain and pete rose were bad people who did bad things but it might not have been their fault because its well done that pitching too many innings or playing hard on the diamond makes one make bad nets on clubs,spades and even athletic contests.We have learned that phd students don’t like when phd holders makes jokes at their expense. To everyone’s shock and horror, we discovered that retail comp numbers don’t tell us much about where the stock price is heading.(kudos where due..)that was a nice piece of work). It was deeply disturbing to discover that a number cherished and admired by wall streeters was worthless.it was revealed that Americans and british don’t have the same sense of humour.apparently george carlin is not as sophisticated as monty python…just funnier.they do however think homer simpson is an okay guy.

However I must take great issue with the discussion of American beer as a poor product and American women as..what was the phrase..stroppy? As the lists in house expert on American drinking habits, along with my dedicated colleagues drs crossman and Hillman..although it is my understanding that dr Hillman is retiring from the active research field his contributions must be noted and appreciated…..and American woman and their relative levels of ..umm//stroppiness, I feel I must intervene to correct some misunderstandings and wrong assumptions in the data collection and analysis process.

Dr millers, whose work in finance,gambling and now drinking and womanizing I much admire and look forward to all his contributions, suggestion of a field trial is indeed a wonderful thought. However he has structured his control group in such a way to almost guarantee disaster. First, NEVER use fosters as a control. It is a good beer, however its US based advertising campaign is full of blond Australian surfer types and outdoor crocodile killers. The image that this creates in our quarries mind will be rather difficult for your average khaki and polo shirt type to overcome. If you are in one of the Dr Melvin under the bridge hall of fame establishments and proffer a fosters, the can is entirely too large. Far better to have the young lady bounce a 12 oz off your head for offering her some namby-pamby foreign crap in a funny looking can.As for the use of Colt .45 40 ouncer, this is fraught with peril. If it is accepted, you are on the wrong side of town and death is imminent. If the lovely of your intention accepts the cold 40 - one suggests you slam your own drink down and begin the process of hail marys or whatever archaic pre death ritual your religion practices.The French champagne may in fact be the worst of the bunch..if like so many of us you consider out right rejection and public humiliation to be worse than death.You see, we Americans have trained our women to understand that the proffering of expensive bubbly liquids and the acceptance thereof is an binding contract for immediate and prolonged sexual activity. Should you offer this to a lovely as a first drink, it would be considered extraordinarily forward and you can expect to find yourself red faced and wearing the remains of whatever watered down sucky American beer she was drinking.

When examining the drinking happiness and stroppiness factor of american women, one suggest the following control groups. The best test is of course the lovely with two empty miller lite bottles in front of her and a third on the way, accompanied by empty shot glasses of jaegemeister. It is preferred that she have the ring tan or other indicator that suggests the recent departure of a significant other.This is a young woman in a decidedly non stroppy mood who is drinking beer for the purpose we Americans use it for…to other more sophisticated overseas brethren we leave discussions of hoppiness and after taste..over here we use the stuff to lubricate the good times and unleash libidos.This young woman will consume enough watered down American crap beer and foul german rocket fuel to forget her troubles and begin making up for lost time having good times. The other worthy prey..I mean field subject is for course the cosmopolitan drinking female. If she is over 35, she has long ago decided what she likes and wants and you will know where you stand 30 seconds after you offer a drink….if she is under 35, she is a sex in the city junkie and feels a social contract to drink too much and have sex with relative strangers….not a bad character trait for our research studies. To be avoided at costs out the fruity umbrella drinking flocks…these are girls night out types and like herds of wildebeest in the wild they band up to protect the gaggle form invasion by predators. To attempt research here will soon exhaust the funds available for the project as they will accept all the 9 dollar fruity concoctions you offer but you will never get close enough to discuss trans continental stroppiness. White wine drinkers also make a poor choice as they tend to be settled, centered types and there’s probably a protective alpha male somewhere near by. Now the whiskey drinking woman…here is a woman with so many virtues that the great redneck troubadour Toby Keith recently penned a tribute to her and all her sisters nationwide…but no point looking for her..odds are she left with me an hour ago